Stitches

I’m not very sure how to really cope with disappointment in life. when everything seems to come at the same time..

when you are disappointed with your career, your relations with people. disappointed with people..

disappointed with yourself.

when you feel like you are just a pawn in the wider web of human relations. when you are not even sure whom you should trust. who treats you without agenda..

who isn’t manipulating your weaknesses, your emotions, who isn’t making use of you..

when you want to trust with your heart, yet your head casts doubts.. and u can’t quite make up your mind where you should stand..

should you simply just doubt all the way, or should i choose to trust, that no matter how many questions there are in my head, i will choose to simply trust?

its been so long since i wrote a blog entry, i wonder why.. so long that i forgot how it feels like to weld a pen and express how i feel within me.. i literally forgot i have this avenue..

im simply just tired.. both physically and emotionally.. i really dunno when was the last time i actually slept well..

months.. years..?

ive packed everything into a box.. despite whatever pain and hurts there are.. i’ve managed to find the strength and peace to place  them in a box.. just like a wound which i have.. ive decided to stitch it.. without crying at the cut and the pain that comes with stitching it.. trusting that the only way is to stitch it..

but what do people actually want from me? who do they think they are to tell me wat i shld fight for, wat i shld agitate for? wat im limited to do? wat i shld be doing?

how much do u all really know me? do any of u honestly even genuinely care how i feel? how i am? who i am? wat i want?

are u telling me wat to do genuinely for my interests? or yours in disguise?

how do u know wat i really want? you are definitely not me.

why? ive already gone through much more than i feel is necessary.. who are u to tell me that i shld test myself, test the peace which i have earned through much suffering and effort..

why must my wound be torn open again and again? just becos u think u noe wat i should do? or wat u think i shld do?

why can’t anybody understand.. that i just want to preserve the peace in my heart right now? i dun need any more waves, even ripples in my heart.. 

i dun need anybody to try to unstitch my wound, thinking u have a better way of plastering the wound, or a way to make it go away..

the cut is already there. im already hurt. been broken down. and the cut is still so recent.. why can’t u all just leave me alone? i dun need any more murmurings.. any more voices.. anymore advice.. any more people telling me wat i shld or shld not do.. people telling me that if i dun do this or that, i will cease to be able to lift up my head..

stop determining my self-worth! am i worth anything to u in the first place? stop making judgments! how much do u even noe me? or any other person for that matter.

i wish there wld cease to be voices around me. i need some peace and quiet around me.

i dun need help. i dun even need understanding. becos nobody understands me.

im learning and starting to stitch up my wounds.. so that it can have a chance to recover..

maybe the cut will leave a scar.. who noes.. but if im not even allowed to stitch the wound, it cannot even heal..

can’t u see that? dun u have eyes to see and a heart that can feel?

can’t u feel my pain? my hurts?

u can agitate all u want. but please,

leave me alone.

out of all these.

i have enough of my emotions to deal with. the box is full. and im not going to have another box.

and i have cast the box unto God.

hoping and believing simply that He can recycle all these trash.

that all the pain that i go through will not be in vain..

for He is my Rock.

and no one else comes close.

Friends..

can disappoint.

Especially when you care..

but they dun care.. or dun seem to care anymore..

Nothing seems to matter anymore..

Maybe,

thats the painful part.

Maybe,

thats just the way life is.

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